


Honey whiskey Friday

by the_darkest_soul



Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: AU, Angst, Clary and Izzy are not aware, Depression, First Meeting, Jace cares, Jace is there to help, Jace wants to help him, M/M, Please don't read if you're depressed, Scene of suicide, Self Harm, Simon commits suicide, Simon's mother is dead, Suicide, and Rebecca doesn't talk to him, jimon, no supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-14 05:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14129394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_darkest_soul/pseuds/the_darkest_soul
Summary: Since Simon's mother died in a car accident and his sister blamed him for her death Simon started suffering from depression. It got worse to the point when he plans the exact moment of his suicide.Will an average barista change his mind?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You can't usually tell if someone is suicidal so whenever you feel like something is wrong with someone just talk to them.  
> SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE 1-800-273-8255
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter was written with one take with songs  
> Nothing but Thieves "Honey Whiskey"  
> New Politics "Madeleine"

Another day and another headache although this time it didn’t bother him. Today was the day when nothing mattered, why? Because today was the day when Simon Lewis will finally take his life. Maybe for a healthy person this was the most terrible thing to do but Simon wasn’t a healthy person although from the outside he looked like one, an average human being, quite tall with dark hair and brown eyes covered with glasses. He was also considered as handsome, well build with a great taste when it came to clothes but no one noticed the scars on his wrist whenever he rolled up his sleeves and no one noticed how fake was his everyday smile, not even his friends. He was thankful tho because he didn’t have to explain how his depression started and he really didn’t want to go back to the moment when one Friday evening while doing his homework, as a senior in high school, he got a call from New York’s police department informing him that his mother had a fatal car accident. The time when his sister left blaming Simon for their mother’s death because he was supposed to do the shopping not her, he was supposed to be dead. The time when he eventually lied to his psychiatrist so he’d finally be free to move out form his aunt’s home. He hated that time.

Now he was living with his best friend who’s usually out for nights, sleeping at her girlfriend’s place. He liked being alone at night, there was no one to judge whenever he reached for razor to make the pain go away with few red stripes. Night was the only time when he could be himself since he’s at the University whole day trying to be sociable.

 It used to work but eventually he got tired so one day  he just decided to do it, the same Friday he lost his mother and he couldn’t wait till the day would come and he’ll finally be free.

 

That Friday was today.

 

As the headache passed Simon was finally ready to get up and get dressed before he looked in the mirror to see how he presented that last day of his life and he was pleasingly surprised.

“Good morning.” He smiled at his best friend who just entered the apartment.

“Good day?” she asked raising her eyebrow as she threw her bag on the couch.

“The best.” He admitted. “Maybe you and Izzy want to grab a coffee before your lectures? I have day off.” he asked, he needed to have a proper goodbye with them.

“Should I be worried?” Clary stopped in front of him to study his expression.

“There is no need.” He lied sill smiling. “So?”

“Sure, why not.” Fray smiled back. “I’ll text her. Campus Starbuck in twenty?”

“I think we will make it.” He admitted grabbing his leather jacket before leaving.

The day was sunny and Simon thought about it as an irony. Even the world is glad he’ll be dead.

“Clary..” he started as they were half way to the coffee shop.

“Yea?”

“I love you.. And thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You’re my family and I want you to know nothing that will ever happen to me is your fault.” He felt like he needed to clear this up.

“You’re scaring me….” She stopped for a moment to look at him. “Is everything alright? You know you can tell me anything.” She grabbed his hand.

“Everything’s okay. I promise.” He smiled. “I just needed to say that.”

As they got to Starbucks Isabelle was already there, sitting at one of the tables in the corner. When she noticed them she stood up and approached them with a huge smile.

“You won’t believe won’t happened.” She sounded like she was about to explode. “Remember when professor Fitz said that he’s going to Hollywood with his crew to take part in a theatre competition? He wants us to go with him Clary!” she announced happily.

“That’s amazing!” redhead squeaked.

“But we need to go to a meeting that’ll be today at noon.” Isabelle added.

“We have ten minutes to get there!” Clary noticed high on endorphin when she looked at Simon looking for approval. She promised him a coffee.

“It’s fine.” He smiled at her. “Go.”

“Thank you.” She squeaked again as she hugged him tightly and both girls ran out of the store.

He didn’t want to leave tho. He didn’t have plans till four p.m. so he could as well order something. His last drink. Thinking about everything as his last was kinda funny. He felt a little sentimental but at the back of his mind there was a voice telling him that he will finally be okay.

“What can I get you?” Blond barista smiled at him, Jace as his nameplate said.

“I’d take the biggest caramel macchiato you have. To go.” Simon smiled back.

“Sure.” Jace took a white cup. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“Simon. I’ll pay with your card.” He informed as he rolled up his sleeves.

Lord, it was so hot in there.

Barista wrote his name and was about to take the card from Simon when he froze, his sigh on Simon’s wrists. At first Lewis didn’t know what’s going on, not used to people acting this way around him but when it got to him he just pulled the sleeves back and smiled. Thankfully Jace didn’t say anything as he charged him and told him to wait at the end when he’ll prepare his order.

As Simon stepped back he wondered what the barista thought when he saw the cuts. Maybe he thought he was crazy, or maybe that he has a really aggressive cat? Lewis shook his head. Does it matter? In four hours he won’t be dealing with stares anymore. Simon name was called so he approached the counter, just on time when Jace handed him the coffee. Lewis didn’t have a courage to look at him so he just grabbed the drink and left. He was about to take first sip when he saw white paper between the cup and the holder. He released it with his left hand, inside there was a handwritten note. “I’ll be off at one. Call me.” And the number. Was Jace flirting with him or he was just playing a hero, saving another suicide? Whatever the reason was Simon wasn’t about to call him. There was no need. Then why he hide the note in his pocket?    

 

When he finally got back it was almost one p.m. Simon took off his shoes and turned on his favorite playlist as he reached for the whisky that was standing on the ground in his room. Maybe it was cowardice but he didn’t want to do it while being sober. Besides he choose to swallow a hand full of pills with alcohol so he will need it anyway. He pour himself a glass and sat on a couch, The Neighborhood’s “Let it go” playing in the background, as he looked at the note once again like he waited for it to spontaneously combust. Although it didn’t happen. The note was still there. Was he supposed to call? If yes, why? Jace was a stranger anyway, why would he care about Simon at any point? Let’s say he will call. Then what? Jace may want to meet and then what? He’ll say “I’m sorry but that’s collide with my suicidal plans? Or maybe the note was in the wrong cup? There was one way to find out and Simon really didn’t want to spend his last hours wondering about Starbucks’ barista so he took a huge sip of the alcohol and grabbed his phone. He clicked in the number and pressed “call”.  At first he had hope no one would answer but eventually he heard Jace’s voice.

“Who’s there?” he asked and Simon really considered hanging up.

“Simon..” he eventually spoke. “You wrote me a note to call you.”

“Right. I was wondering… Maybe you want to go out today?”

“Sorry but I’m busy today…”

“Please? We can hang out at my place, or yours if you want.. Just please meet me.”

For Simon it was not only desperate but also weird. Why anyone would ask a stranger to call them and then beg for a meeting? He knew he should’ve said no and just hang up but something in Jace’s voice made him do otherwise.

“Sure… If you really want I’d prefer at my place… 10, 10th street. Apartment 3A. But at four I really have plans.” He said.

“Of course.” Jace spoke happily. “Be there in five if that’s okay.”

“Sure..” Simon sighed as he hang up.

What has he done?

 

In five minutes Simon managed to empty the glass so he just waited for Jace to show up and as soon as he poured himself another drink he heard a doorbell so he took the glass and opened.

“Hi.” He smiled as he stepped back so Jace could come in.

“Hi.” The other smiled back. “I’m sorry for all of this but I thought you could use some company today. Besides you’re really cute so I wanted to ask you out anyway.”

“Thanks.” Simon blushed a little bit. “Want a drink?” he asked as he locked the doors.

“Sure.” Jace sat on the couch before Lewis handed him another glass.

“So what’s the real reason of that note?” he asked as he sat on the other side.

“I told you already..”

“Okay but what’s the REAL reason.”

“I really wanted to ask you out for a long time… The real reason why I did this today was because I saw the way you acted around your friends… I don’t want to sound like a creep but I noticed your usual behavior… At thirst I thought something just happened but then I saw your scars…”

“Okay that’s enough. So how is it working there?” Simon wanted to change the subject. He didn’t know that guy and Jace didn’t know him. He had no right to judge him.

“Simon…. I can tell when someone is suicidal…” Jace started.

“Can you not?” Simon cut him off. “You wanted to ask me out? Let’s pretend it’s a date.” He smiled.

At first he thought the blond won’t give up on that subject but to his surprise he also smiled.

“Okay.” He said.

“Tell me something about yourself than.” Lewis asked.

“My last name is Wayland and I’m from Canada but after their death I got transferred to my aunt’s house here. Also I’m a psychology student.” He confessed.

“My parents are also dead so we have something in common.” Simon smirked. “But it’s a long story… I study criminology aaand I’m a huge geek.” He confessed.

“Really?” Jace raised his eyebrow. “What’s your favorite comic?”

That question opened the doors to the new discussion and Simon was glad he called Jace. At least the last hours of his life will be happy. At first they talked about which one, Marvel or DC was better, then it moved to their favorite movies and directors and at some point it somehow got to the most embarrassing moments in their lives.

 “What are you doing today?” Jace asked suddenly after the third glass of alcohol.

“What?” Simon looked at him.

“You said you’re busy later.” Wayland reminded.

“Oh right…. You know… I may as well tell you but you can’t say anyone…” Simon tried to hold his laughter.

It was this point of drinking when everything was funny.

“I promise.” Jace agreed. He was definitely more sober.

“I’m going to kill myself.” Simon confessed happily. “I planned this for some time and today is the day when I’m gonna swallow my pills.” He laughed.

“I won’t let you do it.” Jace said seriously.

“I didn’t tell you so you’d stop me. I told you because you asked.” Smile disappeared from Simon’s face. “Wait…. That’s why you came here…. You knew…. But why? Why bother? I’m going to do it anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because there was nothing left? Because I live in a constant pain?” Simon felt as his eyes started to burn.

“It’ll get better…”

“It won’t… You don’t know it… Please just leave so I could wait for my time in peace..”

“There is no way I’m going to leave you. I’ve been there Simon but this is not the way…”

He needed to come up with a plan. There was no way Jace would leave him alone and it was almost four. Suddenly he realized something. He didn’t need to go that way. He could use something different. He could use a razor.

“Can I at least go to the bathroom?” he asked angrily.

He needed to stay on role or Jace would know what he had in mind.

“It’s your home.” Jace just said. “Just promise me we’ll talk.”

“I promise.” Simon sighed as he stood up.

There won’t be time to talk.

He closed the bathroom door not bothering to lock them. The clock showed it was twenty seconds before four so he just grabbed the razor and phone. ‘Goodbye’ he wrote and choose three contacts. Clary, Isabelle and Jace. He waited for the right time before he hit send.

10 seconds.

He felt cold metal on his wrist.

9 seconds.

He dragged the metal over his skin.

8 seconds.

He felt blood running down his hand.

7 seconds.

He felt calm.

6 seconds.

It hurt but it felt like home.

5 seconds.

It was over.

4 seconds.

He was finally done.

3 seconds.

He felt coldness as he saw the bathroom doors opened.

Two….

One…

That was the last thing he saw before darkness surrounded him.   


	2. Chapter 2

Simon groaned as he felt a sharp pain pulsing from his wrist, he felt like his head was about to explode. Does that mean it didn't work? Was he still alive? Someone saved him? He remember someone opened the door. Was it Jace?   
God... Too many questions... He needed answers so he risked opening his eyes to know if he was right. Unfortunately he was. It didn't work. At first the light was almost blinding but after few blinks his eyes got used to the brightness. Was he alone? Just when he asked that he felt a grip on his hand tighten.  
Someone was holding his hand.   
He turned his head and saw sleeping Jace, half of his body was laying on the bed. Does Jace found him? Does he told Clary? Where is she then? He closed his eyes again. He was definitely screwed now. There is nothing worse than failed suicide attempt. He tried to move not waking Jace up but he failed.  
“Simon?” the blond whispered sleepily, his eyes opened as he got up. “Simon?” he repeated louder and definitely more awake. “Thank God you’re awake.” He sighed in relief.   
“You did it?” Simon just asked like he was washed from all of emotions.   
“Did what?” Jace asked confused.  
“Brought me here?” he knew he seemed cold but he needed to know and even though Wayland said nothing Simon heard everything. “Why?” he asked.  
“I told you.” the other quietly spoke. “I won’t let you do this.”  
“Why?” Lewis repeated like a broken record. “You barely know me.” He eventually added.   
“Does it matter? No one deserved to die. Especially not so young. Besides I told you yesterday. I fell for you and I won’t let my crush or maybe even love die.” Jace answered, he seemed like he was about to cry but he didn’t. He just sat there quietly. Gold eyes piercing Simon’s soul.  
Wait… Yesterday? Does that mean he was unconscious for more than six hours?   
“Where is Clary?” he just asked.   
“Outside. She stormed to your apartment soon after your message.” Jace informed.  
“I knew this message was stupid idea.” Simon sighed, he tried to avoid other’s look so his eyes dropped to his covered in bandages arm what made him feel even worse.  
“If not for the message I wouldn’t save you.” Wayland disagreed.  
“That was the point you know.” Lewis laughed nervously.  
“Can I ask you a question now?” Simon knew exactly what it will be but he agreed anyway. “Why did you do it?  
Simon took a deep breath. At this point there was no use hiding anymore.  
“My mom died in a car accident.” He said. “Because she went to do shopping just like I was supposed to… My sister blamed me for her death and soon enough I was blaming myself… I had a depression… I lied to my psychiatrist so I could live alone and everyone would just let me live in peace.. At first I thought it’ll get better but it didn’t. I cut myself and it was getting harder and harder to live another day… I decided to end it the same day she lost her life.” His throat clenched but he couldn’t stop talking. It felt like he finally lost the weight he was carrying all of his life. He stopped expecting that Jace would say something but he didn’t and Simon was glad. “But then you appeared… I didn’t want you to talk me out of this and you didn’t want to leave so I had to act quickly.”   
“Do you feel like doing it again?” blond just asked after a moment of silence.  
“I don’t know..” Simon admitted.   
“They wanted to take you to different hospital but I stopped them and promised I’ll look after you and I will.” Jace confessed.   
“You said you where there… Where I was yesterday… What did you mean?” Lewis asked like he didn’t hear what the other said but he did. He heard him very clearly.   
“I’ll tell you but not now.” Wayland promised, his thumb brushing Simon’s hand and Simon didn’t mind. He felt loved. “Now you need to rest so we could get you out of here.” Jace smiled and Simon smiled back.  
“Can I talk to Clary first?” he asked.  
“Can I let all of them in?”   
“All of them?” the boy raised his eyebrow.  
“Isabelle, Alec, Magnus, Jocelyn and Luke are also here.” Jace explained.  
“Why?” Simon didn’t understand.  
“Because they care. You’re not alone Simon. You need to remember this.”   
“You can let them all in.” Lewis agreed. “But I want you to stay also.”   
“I will.” Jace smiled as he got up and disappeared behind the door to be back in seconds, followed by Simon’s family.  
“Simon!” Clary called crying as she ran to his bed to hug him tightly. “I’m so sorry. I won’t leave you again..” she sobbed.   
“We got there as soon as we got your text..” Isabelle followed her footsteps as Clary let him go. “But we only found Jace.”   
“You know him?” Simon asked surprised.  
“He’s my brother’s best friend.” She explained.   
“The world is small huh?” Lewis smiled as she also let him go.  
“We’re so sorry we wasn’t there with you.” Jocelyn apologized.   
Her red nose and watery eyes showed that she was crying. He made her cry?   
“Don’t be..” Simon whispered. “It’s all my fault. I should’ve talked to you but I choose to keep it all to myself.”  
“Simon I know it’s hard..” Magnus spoke.”But remember you are not alone. You can talk to us whenever you want.”   
“I will.” Lewis smiled at them the same moment as the nurse came in.   
“Hi, my name is Godley and I’m your nurse.” She introduced herself. “I’m glad that you’re awake, doctor wanted me to talk to you before visit.” She smiled politely.  
“We’ll wait outside.” Isabelle informed Simon as she took Clary’s hand and dragged her outside.  
Everyone else just followed her so now Simon and Miss Godley were alone.  
“How do you feel?” she asked.  
“Better. My head hurts but it’s nothing.” He answered.  
“That’s great.” Smiled didn’t disappeared from her face. “Simon… Your family told us about you clinical depression.” She confessed. “We are certain it didn’t pass but we can’t be one hundred percent sure. It’s been long time since you were diagnosed and your behavior doesn’t mean you-“ she explained but he interrupted.  
“Does that mean I would need to take pills?” he asked.  
“Probably. But as I said we can’t be sure. Doctor would have a proper conversation with you only then we will know. The best of course would be a full treatment but I don’t think it’ll work at your state.” She said.   
“Can you… Can you please keep it in secret? I will tell them whenever we have the results.” He asked.  
“Of course. You’re considered as a grown up now. All decisions are up to you. Can I call the doctor now?” she smiled at him.  
“Yea…” he agreed sadly. If the nurse was right average depression would be the least problem. 

The conversation went pretty easy and soon Simon was able to leave the hospital. He wanted to do this alone but Jace didn’t want to hear that, he probably won’t leave Simon alone for next few years.   
“Before you go there is one thing left.” Miss Godley smiled at him as usual. “Can you come with me?” she asked and Lewis just nodded.  
One more thing and he’ll be free again.   
He followed her to the doctor’s office.  
“Please take a seat.” Doctor smiled but Simon had none of this. He knew that smile very well.   
“I’m good.” He just said coldly.  
“Unfortunately I don’t have good news.” The older one spoke. “Turns out your clinical depression wasn’t properly treated… “  
“What a surprise.” Simon just smirked.   
“I’d recommend you a regular psychotherapy which means meeting with psychiatrist every week and taking these pills every day.” He was about to hand them to the boy but he stopped him.  
“I already have them.” He said. “And I don’t need psychiatrist. I have my family.”  
“This is your decision but-“  
“Can I go now?”  
There was a moment of silence.   
“Miss Godley will show you the exit.” She smiled at the words.  
“I can do it myself.” He just said before leaving.   
He hated doctors. They think they know everything but they don’t. He’ll make it without this stupid psychologist or medications.   
“Everything’s okay?” Jace asked as he greeted Simon by his car.  
“Safe and sound.” Simon lied smiling.

Maybe at first he was, especially when Clary moved out to Isabelle giving Jace a free room which he didn’t need because they were sleeping together. Everything was perfect for Simon. He had the sexiest man alive as his boyfriend, he was closer to Jocelyn and Luke than ever and the thoughts of suicide left him for whole six months.   
It all started at the beginning of March when he simply stopped being interested in anything. Every time someone was trying to get him out he excused himself with studying what in reality was staring at his pitiful reflection in the mirror and tonight was no different. Although this time Jace was home.  
It was one a.m. and Simon couldn’t sleep so he got up from their bed trying not to wake the other up as he sneaked out to the bathroom.  
Why are you so pitiful? His reflection asked as he felt the familiar weight in his chest. He couldn’t breathe. Why can’t you let go? Everything’s okay why are you like this? Jace would leave you if you keep making excuses whenever he asks you out. He’s probably grateful for that tho. He’s ashamed of you. You’re helpless. There is no way he still loves you.  
“Shut up.” He whispered angrily to the mirror before he just left the bathroom.   
He needed this voice to stop taking and the first thing that got into his mind was alcohol so not thinking much he opened a bottle of whiskey Clary left him. He didn’t even cared about the glass taking a sip straight from the bottle. But one sip wasn’t enough.   
No one loves you. The voice spoke again. You’re worthless and just a burden to all of them. It’ll be easier for everyone if you were gone.   
SHUT UP! Simon shouted in his mind, feeling the tears burning his eyes before they fell down his cheek.   
There is only one way to keep me quiet and you know that.  
Simon did. He hate to admit it but he did. He took another huge sip before he left for a moment and came back with a razor in his hand. Feel of guilt burning in his chest. He was right. He is nothing. He’s just a burden. He felt a cold metal on his skin. It felt like home. He dragged it over his skin without a thinking, hard enough for blood to show. The sight of redness and the sharp pain made him sigh in relief. It felt like everything bad just left his body what made him want to make another slit but something stopped him. The feeling. It felt like someone was staring at him.. Please.. Not Jace… Please… He clenched his grip on the razor and looked up shaking.   
“Simon…” Jace whispered in shock. Simon could see how badly it hurt for the blond to see him like that and when he saw tears in Wayland’s eyes he suddenly realize what happened.   
“I’m sorry…” Lewis whispered still holding on to the metal. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to..” he couldn’t breathe. “Please don’t hate me… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” He sobbed as Jace approached him.   
“Simon… Shhhh.. Just give me that..” the blond took the razor away before he sat next to Simon and pulled him into a tight hug. “Shhhh…. Everything will be okay… I don’t hate you…”  
But Simon didn’t hear that.  
“I’m sorry..” he kept repeating. “Please don’t hate me…”   
All Jace could do was whispering “I don’t hate you..” and “Everything will be okay…” until Simon calmed.  
“How can you not hate me? I’m just a burden…” Simon sobbed.  
“Baby look at me.” Jace reached for Simon’s chin and raised it a little. “You are not a burden and I’ll never hate you because I love you Simon. I always will.” He smiled what made Lewis smile back. “Just please talk to me whenever you feel like that because seeing you like this breaks my heart.” He confessed. “And don’t ever be sorry for how you feel. Just let me help you. We will go through this together and everything will be alright.”  
First time Simon believed this words and he didn’t regret it.  
The person you love can really change everything.


End file.
